Remember when O.J. used to run through airports jumping over things to get to his plane on time? Those were the days.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Now that I'm seeing the TV spots for the return of Heroes, I figure it's time for this list that Spinderfella sent me a while back -- not that there's much of a connection. With the exception of the blind boy and maybe the idiot savant, these folks are glorified carnival freaks if you ask me. And I don't like freaks. "Look at me, I can eat an airplane." BFD. Here, have a cookie. Oops, sorry, I meant, have some jet fuel. Good. Now eat this match... ya fuckin' freak.
The Incredible Brain (Daniel Tammet)
Tammet is a high-functioning autistic savant with a gift for mathematical calculations, sequence memory, and natural language learning. He holds the European record for memorising and recounting pi to 22,514 digits in just over five hours. He also speaks a variety of languages including French, Finnish, German, Spanish, Lithuanian, Estonian, Icelandic and more.
The Boy with Sonar Vision (Ben Underwood)
Blind since age 3, Underwood plays basketball, rides a bicycle, and lives a normal life. He taught himself to use echo location to navigate by making a short click sound that bounces back from objects. His ears pick up the echos to let him know where the objects are.
The Rubberboy (Daniel Browning Smith)
A five-time Guinness World Record holder, The Rubberboy is the most flexible man alive and the most famous contortionist. He has been seen on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, ESPN's Sports Center, Oprah Winfrey, Ripley's Believe It or Not, HBO's Carnivale, and CSI: NY and more. He can dislocate his arms to crawl through an unstrung tennis racquet.
Mister Eat-it-All (Michel Lotito)
Lotito can consume items of metal, glass, rubber and more, and has devoured bicycles, televisions and even a Cessna 150 aircraft, which took roughly two years to be finish. Lotito does not often suffer from ill-effects due to his diet, even after the consumption of materials usually considered poisonous.
King Tooth (Rathakrishnan Velu)
On August 30, 2007, the eve of Malaysia's 50th Independence Day, Rathakrishnan Velu (or Raja Gigi, as he is known locally) broke his own world record for pulling train with his teeth, this time with 6 coaches attached weighing 297.1 tons over a distance of 2.8 metres at the Old Kuala Lumpur Railway Station.
The Magnetic Man (Liew Thow Lin)
A 70-year-old retired contractor in Malaysia, Liew has the ability to make metal objects adhere magnetically to his skin. He recently made news for pulling a car twenty meters along a level surface with an iron chain magnetically attached to his midriff.
The Man Who Doesn't Sleep (Thai Ngoc)
Ngoc, known as Hai Ngoc, stopped sleeping in 1973 after having a fever, and has logged almost 12,000 consecutive sleepless nights since then. Says his wife, "My husband used to sleep well, but these days, even liquor cannot put him down." A recent medical examination declared Ngoc in perfect health, except a minor decline in liver function.
The Torture King (Tim Cridland)
Scientific tests have shown that Cridland can tolerate much higher levels of pain than most humans. By controlling his mind, Cridland explains, he is able to push skewers through his body and tolerate extreme heat and cold.
The Lion Whisperer (Kevin Richardson)
Animal behaviourist Kevin Richardson says he relies on instinct to win the hearts of big cats. He can spend the night curled up with them without the slightest fear of being attacked. His magic works not only work for lions but other animals such as cheetahs, leopards and even hyenas.
The Eye-Popping Man (Claudio Pinto)
Claudio Pinto can pop both of his eyes 4 cm, or 95%, out of their sockets. Pinto has undergone various tests and doctors say they have never seen or heard of a person who can pop the eyes as much as him. "It is a pretty easy way to make money,” he says.
Imagine it. You're on an airplane, or at a fast-food restaurant or an outdoor festival. You have to pee... bad. There's one toilet or porta-potty. Someone is in it. You wait. And wait. And wait. Oh god, someone's dropping a bomb in there. But you have no choice. You gotta go. Finally they come out, and it's...
Jim's from Chicago, so you know he probably downed 4 brats and 13 Old Styles earlier in the day, and now he's just dropped them off at the pool, just for you. Enjoy.
Maggie's a vegan, and if you think vegans don't have foul dumps because they don't do meat or dairy or whateverthefuck else they don't eat (so I can), just think about what foods cause the nastiest farts. Right. Cabbage. Broccoli. Beans. Starches. Corn. Nuts. Corn and nuts.
Please. Don't you know that every time Sasquatch drops a load on that gay cruise ship of hers, its speed immediately drops by 2.4 knots and it lists discernibly to starboard. Then I bet she comes out, triumphant, and, because she fancies herself a comedian, exclaims, "Hoo, I just lost 4 pounds!"
Frat boy. Beer. Nachos. Cigs. Oysters. Tequila shots. Hot wings. You and I both know that VV can destroy any bathroom of any size, so whether it's a porta-let or the 40-seater at Mandalay Bay casino where he's pinching his megaloaf, you'll be peeing with one hand on your pecker and the other holding your nose so no blood gets on your shirt.
She's Canadian. Their shit smells funny, a nose-offending blend of maple syrup and Moosehead. Then you got Alanis in there, probably tokin' up and taking her sweet time while she pens another hit tune. Isn't it ironic.. that you stink.
I pity the fool.
Tiny little actress, but don't be fooled by her diminutive size. Ever smelled a Chihuahua turd? A dense little torpedo whose size belies its destructive powers. That's Linda in a buttshell.. I mean, nutshell.
Ever smelled a Klingon dump? Me neither, although I had the opportunity a few years ago at the Inman Park Festival in Atlanta. I went to a porta-potty that was occupied, so I waited.. and waited.. and waited.. fffuck, this is gonna be ugly... and finally, out steps a Klingon. I kid you not. No way in hell I was going in there, so I peed in the bushes..