Tuesday, June 29, 2010
From Kurt and HolyTaco.com
College is a great place to learn and have fun. But let’s not kid ourselves, some degrees are as useless as the plot in a Michael Bay film. Here’s a list of 10 degrees that may be interesting, but do jack shit for you in the real world.
10. Art History
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: With an art history degree you could maybe curate an art gallery or work at a museum or….yeah, that’s it. That’s all you can do. And seeing as how every art gallery and museum I’ve ever been to has exactly one dude sitting quietly at a desk reading a New Yorker and eating a food that requires chopsticks, I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s not a lot of positions open in the field.
What Job You’ll End Up With: After your parents boot your ass from your bedroom, you’ll wander towards the nearest coffee shop and get a job there, which will allow you to meet artists who put fliers by the cash register to inform people of their upcoming show featuring “the combination of art and flute.”
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: This isn’t ancient Greece: no one is going to pay you money, or allow you to sodomize their attractive son, in exchange for your knowledge of existence. Never has there been an employer who’s said “Man, we’re having all kinds of problems, I wish we had someone on our team who could reference and draw conclusions from the story of Siddhartha that would pull up our fourth quarter numbers.”
What Job You’ll End Up With: Thanks to your extensive knowledge of philosophy, you’re now self-aware enough to know that most jobs out there will make you totally miserable. So most likely you’ll wait tables part time and hope someone starts paying you for the bi-monthly entries on your blog.
7. Music Therapy
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: I didn’t even know this was a major until I found it on the Appalachian State website. According to them, “Music therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals.” Which is a big, fancy way of saying “We’ll teach you how to make a mix tape.”
What Job You’ll End Up With: After realizing that yoga studios and elderly homes don’t pay people just to come in and set mood music, you’re going to end up putting your degree towards burning a fire to keep warm because you are homeless.
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Despite what “Dancing with the Stars” and “High School Musical” may tell you, there aren’t a lot of dancing jobs out there -- so you better be good, because there really aren’t any gigs for mediocre dancers. Outside of New York or LA there is absolutely nothing you can do with a dance degree that doesn’t involve actually dancing for money. And since the Des Moines interpretive dance movement hasn’t really taken off yet, you have a better chance landing a job as an 8-Track repairman or a member of the Beatles.
What Job You’ll End Up With: After moving to New York and trying out for Hello Dolly! or Damn Yankees or any of the other seven Broadway plays that want dancers and not landing a single one because you got your dance degree from Ball State, you will find ample opportunity to show off your choreographic skills at one of the city’s many strip clubs.
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Not only does no one speak this language anymore, but we already have all the Latin that exists in the world. There’s no new Latin that’s hot off the presses that needs immediate translating. I’m no business major, but majoring in a language that doesn’t exist anymore doesn’t sound so good for job security.
What Job You’ll End Up With: Since you majored in something that doesn’t exist, you’re going to have two jobs. Your first one will be as the annoying pretentious guy who gives everyone the Latin etymology of every big word he hears at every dinner party he attends. Your second, and most lucrative job, will be as a Subway Sandwich Artist.
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: No one in hollywood gives a shit that you made a short film about an alcoholic albino that discovers the meaning of life through the help of a retarded child. Unless that retarded child was played by the son of Harvey Weinstein, your film or degree will be as pointless as the last twelve seasons of "ER."
What Job You’ll End Up With: If you’re lucky, you’ll have an uncle who can get you a job as a production assistant on CSI Miami, where your time will be spent making coffee runs and finding whores who will let David Caruso pee on them.
For the rest, see the full article at HolyTaco.com.
When marketing tie-ins go horribly, horribly awry. List and copy from Salon.com.
EDWARD CULLEN "MAN-LLOW"
The most disturbing tie-in in the history of marketing (which, of course, means it sold out long ago) is probably the half-man, half-pillow that is the Edward Manllow. It seems to exist only in the rarefied air of Etsy.com, where it was sold as a salve to "Twilight"-crazed lonely women. Sporting a badly silk-screened image of Robert Pattinson (maybe) and lumpy poly-filled arms, the manllow promises to hold you when you're blue and never try to get past third base. It can't. It doesn't have fingers, or a groin. With some jury-rigging and a "Twilight" vibrator, though ...
UNDEAD CONTACT LENSES
Twihards looking to get into role-playing are, unfortunately, at a bit of a disadvantage since the characters they want to inhabit are basically just better-dressed versions of regular human teens. Or immortal vampire teens. Or werewolf teens. No Elizabethan wigs to buy or manga swords to make. Enter: "Twilight" contact lenses in amber, the very color of the Cullen clan's eyes after they feast on wild animals (which, in loopy-"Twilight" world, makes them vegetarians). Pair a set of these with too much hair gel and a cashmere overcoat and, BOOM! You're ready for the convention.
EDWARD CULLEN TAMPON CASE
Looking like a "South Park" character and promising to camouflage a girl's dirty secrets is the ingenious Edward Cullen tampon case. Found on Etsy, that bastion of handmade strangeness, not only is this creation practical (Tampax coming out of their wrappers in your bag, not fun in public) but it's ecologically sound, too -- the felt used to make it was crafted from recycled plastics. The seller also listed "feminist bitterness" as one of the materials used, which is just funny.
See more at Salon.com.